Hero is … um

Both of today’s blog subjects come from the same surreal five-minute stretch in the Denver Broncos-Oakland Raiders game.

Hero: Tommy Kelly, defensive tackle for the Oakland Raiders.

After making an almost-goal line stand tackle late in the game, Kelly stood up with his uniform pants and compression shorts around his ankles. Luckily for TV viewers we only got a glimpse of his black jock strap and not the backside view. Kelly is a hero for pulling his pants up in record time. It’s a good thing he, as a pro athlete, has quick reactions and well-conditioned, fast-twitch muscles. All those squats came in handy.

Given the importance of not mooning tens of thousands of fans in person and millions on TV, perhaps this is a skill that should be added to the NFL Combine in the springtime. Pre-draft 40-yard dash times, bench press, Wonderlic scores, high jumps, cone drills and drawer hikes; that would be a good addition. Although, like the Wonderlic, I would hope they wouldn’t televise that test. …

Zero: Laser-pointer wielding fan seated in the end zone of Invesco Field at Mile High (dishonorable mention to Kelly for not buckling his belt).

Some almost-certainly drunk fan, right before the Kelly moon, caused a five-minute stoppage of play because he had to be an idiot and shine his dorky laser pointer at players on the field. Who uses laser pointers anyway? I mean, other than morons looking to make their equally dumb and drunk friends laugh when they make little red dots appear on people’s crotches.

It is poetic justice, though, that the chucklehead was too quick to pull his dork toy out of his pocket. Had he waited one more play, he would’ve gotten the chance to point the ultimate laugh maker at Kelly’s bare butt. Cue trombone: Wah waaaaah.